Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22

Okay, I admit, I have been hurting, which is probably why I have been away from here for over three months.  Within those three months, and even prior, I had been rejected over and over regarding my search for a teaching position.  Many applications and interviews later, I am still where I was before. 

Pride, humiliation, anger, discontentment had all been warring in my heart and mind.  Slowly, I addressed each through Scripture and prayer.  Because I had been thinking that I was hurting mostly from discontentment, I began working on counting my blessings:  I have a job, my children are healthy and enjoying their schooling.  They are doing well regarding grades and extra-curricular activities (track, soccer, piano, guitar, our oldest son earning Eagle Scout, and turning 16 & acquiring a driver’s license).  My relationship with my husband is wonderful.  He has a job.  My husband and I are both healthy.

Yet, even after pouring over Scripture, verse after verse, counting my blessings, and praying for contentment, I have been left with a feeling of confusion and wondering why I was still grieving the loss of what I had considered my dream, with the pain in my heart still rather sharp.  I kept saying to myself, “Be content!” 

Then one day, as I was driving in my car, a song came on the radio (KLOVE station) called “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North.  These lyrics hit me square between the eyes and I realized why I haven’t been able to shed the pain…. Oh Father give me grace to forgive them...Cause I feel like the one losing.

Bitterness and my lack of forgiving those who did not hire me, not discontentment, was killing me.  Oh, I’ve plastered on the smiles, and have managed to get through each day fooling those around me (not really my husband, bless his heart), but when I clued in to what God was teaching me, I finally began feeling the peace and contentment I was desiring. 

I have also learned not to give up on my dream.  I am just finishing teaching five weeks of summer school (Reading to 4^th and 5^th graders as well as some fun Daily Challenge classes to 6^th-9^th graders).  Grueling at times, but, oh, so rewarding.  I love to teach.  Perhaps one day….all in God’s perfect timing.  I’m truly at peace.