Then Peter came to
Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive
him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven
times, but up to seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22
Okay, I admit, I have been hurting, which is probably why I
have been away from here for over three months. Within those three months, and even prior, I
had been rejected over and over regarding my search for a teaching position. Many applications and interviews later, I am
still where I was before.
Pride, humiliation, anger, discontentment had all been
warring in my heart and mind. Slowly, I
addressed each through Scripture and prayer.
Because I had been thinking that I was hurting mostly from
discontentment, I began working on counting my blessings: I have
a job, my children are healthy and enjoying their schooling. They are doing well regarding grades and
extra-curricular activities (track, soccer, piano, guitar, our oldest son earning
Eagle Scout, and turning 16 & acquiring a driver’s license). My relationship with my husband is wonderful. He
has a job. My husband and I are both healthy.
Yet, even after pouring over Scripture, verse after verse, counting
my blessings, and praying for contentment, I have been left with a feeling of confusion
and wondering why I was still grieving the loss of what I had considered my
dream, with the pain in my heart still rather sharp. I kept saying to myself, “Be content!”
Then one day, as I was driving in my car, a song came on the radio (KLOVE station) called “Losing” by
Tenth Avenue North. These lyrics hit me
square between the eyes and I realized why I haven’t been able to shed the pain….
Oh Father give me grace to forgive
them...Cause I feel like the one losing.
Bitterness and my lack of forgiving those who did not hire
me, not discontentment, was killing
me. Oh, I’ve plastered on the smiles,
and have managed to get through each day fooling those around me (not really my
husband, bless his heart), but when I clued in to what God was teaching me, I
finally began feeling the peace and contentment I was desiring.
I have also learned not to give up on my dream. I am just finishing teaching five weeks of summer
school (Reading to 4th and 5th graders as well as some
fun Daily Challenge classes to 6th-9th graders). Grueling at times, but, oh, so
rewarding. I love to teach. Perhaps one day….all in God’s perfect
timing. I’m truly at peace.
